Setting: The entire episode takes place inside SNOW WHITE's cottage.
(knock on the door. SNOW WHITE answers the door. She's wearing rags.)
SNOW WHITE (welcoming)
Hello
(EVIL QUEEN enters)
EVIL QUEEN (sunshiny)
Good morning my dear
SNOW WHITE (unwelcoming)
Hello stepmother.
EVIL QUEEN
Come come my dear. You know you can call me mother.
SNOW WHITE
What do you want lady?
EVIL QUEEN
Can't a mother just come and visit her daughter?
SNOW WHITE
You're not my mom.
EVIL QUEEN
And to think, you used to be the fairest in the land.
SNOW WHITE
What's that supposed to mean?
EVIL QUEEN (condescending)
You're fair skin has seen better days my dear.
SNOW WHITE
Can you make this visit quick? I'm already getting tired of your face.
EVIL QUEEN
Oh my poor daughter, what happened to that pretty little princess I raised?
(A knock on the door, SNOW WHITE answers the door.)
SNOW WHITE (tired)
Hello.
ROSE (not tired)
Hey girl!!!!
SNOW WHITE (to herself)
Saved by the Blonde.
ROSE
I just came back from town and I found you the most adorable dress.
(ROSE holds up SNOW WHITE's iconic dress)
EVIL QUEEN
My goodness that's divine.
ROSE (to EVIL QUEEN)
Oh hello, I'm sorry, I don't think we've met. I'm Rose. Of the Rose Kingdom.
EVIL QUEEN (Inquiring)
Princess Rose? Thee Princess Rose? In a coma for 1,000 years and now awake Princess Rose?
ROSE
The very one.
EVIL QUEEN
It's such an honor to be in the presence of someone of such high esteem. I'm usually stuck with that over there. (Points towards SNOW WHITE)
ROSE
Do you mean Snow White? Snow White is very much a princess, just like me. I mean, So what? So what if she's dressed in rags doesn't go out much and swears like a sailor. She's strong. And a princess is measured by the strength of her heart. And Snow White, has a strong heart.
EVIL QUEEN
Did you know she used to be the fairest in the land.
ROSE (confused)
Snow?
EVIL QUEEN
Yes.
ROSE (shocked)
No!
EVIL QUEEN (excited)
Yes!
SNOW WHITE (exasperated)
Uggghhh.
ROSE (concerned)
Hun, what happened to you?
SNOW WHITE
If you're mother was that, you'd look like this too. (pointing towards EVIL QUEEN)
EVIL QUEEN (happy)
You called me mother.
SNOW WHITE
It was short for mother fu-
EVIL QUEEN (saddened)
Forget it. You'll never accept me.
SNOW WHITE
I'll never accept you? You're the one who kicked me out.
EVIL QUEEN
Mom's can make mistakes too. You weren't exactly a walk in the park missy!
SNOW WHITE
No one could be pleasant with you around. You were such a pain the butt to everybody.
EVIL QUEEN (drama)
I was the QUEEN!!!
SNOW WHITE (more drama)
You were a royal pain!!!!
ROSE
Okay, okay, okay, let's take it down a few levels… Do you want to try on the dress I bought you?
(SNOW WHITE leaves to put on the dress. EVIL QUEEN and ROSE sit on a couch next to each other.)
EVIL QUEEN
So how do you know Snow White?
ROSE
I live next door.
EVIL QUEEN
Next door in that cozy cottage made out of gingerbread and candy?
ROSE
The very one.
EVIL QUEEN
My good friend Hagatha lived there.
ROSE
Oh, where does she live now.
EVIL QUEEN
She doesn't live at all anymore. A fat girl threw her in her own oven, killing her.
ROSE
She died?
EVIL QUEEN
Yes, in that very house you live in.
ROSE
Oh…
EVIL QUEEN
She had a habit of eating children.
(pause)
ROSE
Oh… well… everyone needs a hobby.
EVIL QUEEN
Yes, yes.
(SNOW WHITE enters wearing her new dress.)
ROSE
You look so amazing.
SNOW WHITE
Really?
EVIL QUEEN
My dear, I barely recognize you. I love it.
SNOW WHITE
Thank you.
EVIL QUEEN
You're welcome.
ROSE
That's what I like to hear. Who wants cake?
(SNOW WHITE, ROSE and QUEEN sit down at the dining table to have some cake.)
ROSE
So Evil Queen, what brings you to our part of the woods?
EVIL QUEEN
To visit my precious “pretty” daughter of course.
SNOW WHITE
So she says.
ROSE
Now Snow, how come you can't accept that she simply wanted to see you?
SNOW WHITE
She usually comes with something poisonous that puts me in a coma.
ROSE
My sister's cooking does the same thing.
SNOW WHITE
Your sister wasn't an evil queen with black magic was she?
ROSE
No, but she joined a sorority, that's the same thing right?
EVIL QUEEN
It sure is darling.
SNOW WHITE
Stepmother, it's getting late, and I'm getting tired. Can you please go home?
EVIL QUEEN
Oh all right. I know when I'm not welcome. I'll just go back to my lonely castle, where not even the subjects will talk to me.
ROSE
What about the servants?
EVIL QUEEN
They quit.
ROSE
The fairygodmothers?
EVIL QUEEN
All I have is my magic mirror, and he grows bored of me asking him the same old question.
SNOW WHITE
"Who's the fairest?"
EVIL QUEEN
No… that's so yesterday. Now I ask it "What should I wear? Grimms, Anderson or Carrol" I know I look good, now I just need to know how to dress this fine piece of specimen. (takes out a hand mirror and looks into it) Oh Mirror mirror on the wall…
SNOW WHITE
You have a hand mirror version?
EVIL QUEEN
Oh yes, it's a compact version. I can communicate with my mirror at home with this.
ROSE
Really?
EVIL QUEEN
Why yes. That's the beauty of technology.
ROSE
How cool. An iMirror. It's so nice of you Evil Queen to bring it as a gift for Snow White.
EVIL QUEEN
Oh.
ROSE
Yes, that way you can be home in your castle, and not feel lonely, because you can always just phone in your magic mirror on the wall at home to the magic mirror right over here at Snow White's Cottage.
EVIL QUEEN
OH!
SNOW WHITE
Oh no.
(A little while later SNOW WHITE and ROSE are alone at SNOW WHITE's cottage having cheesecake)
SNOW WHITE
That mirror idea you had was a good one. She might not be as annoying from way over there.
ROSE
Hey no problem. Sometimes parents just don't know how to let go, even if they are the ones that kicked you out and left you for dead in a scary forest. Want some muffins?
SNOW WHITE
Sure.
EVIL QUEEN (from the nearby mirror)
I would love some.
SNOW WHITE
You can't have any. You're not here.
EVIL QUEEN
How sweet of you to invite me. I'll be over in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
SNOW WHITE
No, you don't have to do that! Thanks a lot Rose.
ROSE
You're welcome.
