THE MADNESS OF THE HATTER
Scene - Hallway Locker Room
HORATIO stands center stage in front of his locker. Everyone passes by him. He addresses the audience directly as PRINCESS OF HEARTS, KNAVE and DIAMOND pass by.
HORATIO
We are all familiar with those High School tales in which the outside boy falls for the popular girl and they eventually find each other in the end. Right? This is not one of those stories.
HORATIO looks over at PRINCESS OF HEARTS and her friends.
HORATIO
If anything, I really don't like the popular girl in our school. Her and her stupid deck of cards. What makes her special anyway? Is it because she's loud?
PRINCESS HEARTS (TO KNAVE AND DIAMONDS)
My daddy rented out the auditorium for my birthday. We're going to have a big concert.
KNAVE
Awesome.
DIAMONDS
Are you going to sing?
PRINCESS HEARTS
Of course I am. I am also going to have other performers to open up for me. To build the anticipation.
KNAVE
That is so cool.
DIAMONDS
Who's going to open for you.
PRINCESS HEARTS
We're going to choose by the most humiliating means necessary. We will be holding auditions.
HORATIO (TO AUDIENCE)
I dread auditions. But I love to sing. So of course I'm going to go. Why you ask? It's because I'm mad.
Scene - Lunch Table
HORATIO is joined by MARCH HARE and DORMOUSE at the table.
HORATIO
Okay guys, I have a goalto sing at Princess Hearts' concert, but I can't do it alone.
MARCH HARE
Well you're going to do it alone, we're not singers.
HORATIO
I was not inviting you to join me onstage. You both have no experience.
DORMOUSE
I have experience.
HORATIO
In singing?
DORMOUSE
Oh? No.
HORATIO
So tell me boys, who in our school will join me at the auditions?
MARCH HARE
I have some ideas.
Scene - Hookah Lounge
CATERPILLAR and HORATIO are at a table.
CATERPILLAR
You want me to perform with you?
HORATIO
Well not with me. As back up.
CATERPILLAR
Yes I see, and who are you?
HORATIO
Sorry, Horatio here.
CATERPILLAR
Well dear Horatio. As much as I would love to be your back-up, I don't want to be your back up, I must refuse. I'm auditioning too.
HORATIO
Okay.
CATERPILLAR (LOOKS AT HORATIO'S HAT)
Are you going to eat that?
HORATIO
My hat?
CATERPILLAR
Yes.
HORATIO
No.
HORATIO
I'm going to walk away now.
HORATIO exits.
CATERPILLAR
Greedy.
Scene - The Beach
HORATIO is talking to GRIFFIN and MOCK TURTLE.
HORATIO
So what do you say guys? Audition with me for Princess Hearts' concert?
GRIFFIN
We are auditioning. We always sing together.
HORATIO
I mean, with me?
MOCK TURTLE
We can go with you to audition.
HORATIO
I don't want that. I want you two to be part of my act.
GRIFFIN
This isn't an act. This is life.
MOCK TURTLE
Oh you got him started now.
As GRIFFIN gets more dramatic in his poetry, HORATIO exits.
GRIFFIN
There's saying in the theater that you don't do theater. You live theater. It's a saying I suppose that a rose is just a rose and an performer is a singer and an actor and director and a writer and a crew operator. That's theater. It's theater.
GRIFFIN poses as MOCK TURTLE claps. GRIFFIN looks around for HORATIO.
GRIFFIN
Where did he go?
MOCK TURTLE
He left. He got pissed off.
Scene - Auditorium
PRINCESS OF HEARTS, DIAMONDS and KNAVE sit behind a table and face the auditorium stage.
DIAMONDS
Wow, we've got some great talent.
PRINCESS HEARTS
Yes. A little too great.
KNAVE
What is that.
PRINCESS HEARTS
Send in the next sacrifice.
KNAVE
What?
PRINCESS HEARTS
Just do it.
KNAVE goes behind the stage curtains and re-ennters with HORATIO.
KNAVE
You're next.
KNAVE takes his seat next to PRINCESS OF HEARTS.
HORATIO
Hi, I'm the Mad Hatter and...
PRINCESS HEARTS
Just sing your song, please.
HORATIO
I would love to. (sings/recites) Twinkle, twinkle... little.... bat? How I wonder what you're at.
PRINCESS HEARTS
You're hired.
HORATIO
Really? Wow. Thank you. Thank you so much.
HORATIO exits.
KNAVE
Why did you accept him, he was the worst of them all.
PRINCESS HEARTS
Yes he was. Why would I want the best to open at my concert? I'm the best.
Scene - Locker Hall
HORATIO, MARCH HARE and DORMOUSE stand in front of the lockers.
MARCH HARE
You got in?
HORATIO
Yes.
MARCH HARE
And Caterpillar, Griffin and Mock Turtle auditioned also?
HORATIO
Yes.
MARCH HARE
And they didn't get in at all?
HORATIO
No, they just wanted me.
MARCH HARE
Something's up.
HORATIO
What?
DORMOUSE
Hatter please, even I know it. And I'm not all here.
HORATIO
You guys are so mean. Why can't you just accept that I'm talented.
KNAVE enters with CATERPILLAR, GRIFFIN and MOCK TURTLE.
KNAVE
Hatter, the Princess hired you because you suck.
HORATIO
(whispering to DORMOUSE and MARCH HARE) Shut up both of you. (to KNAVE) Thanks for telling me Knave. But why tell me this information? You're risking your social standing.
KNAVE
Because The Princess wants me to eat her tarts but I'm more of an eclair type of guy.
HORATIO
I love eclairs.
KNAVE
I had a feeling.
GRIFFIN
I can't believe this rubbish. What are we going to do.
HORATIO
Well, The Princess wants an opening number, we'll give her one.
Scene - Backstage of the Auditorium
PRINCESS OF HEARTS is very excited. She consults with DIAMOND.
PRINCESS HEARTS
I am so excited. This is my show. Where's that Hatter so he can open up for me.
KNAVE enters with HORATIO, CATERPILLAR, GRIFFIN and MOCK TURTLE.
HORATIO
I'm right here.
PRINCESS HEARTS
Knave, what are these performers doing here. They did not pass the auditions. I'm sorry.
HORATIO
They're with me.
PRINCESS HEARTS
They're not getting on my stage.
HORATIO
Why? Because you're afraid they'll upstage you?
PRINCESS HEARTS
No one upstages the princess. That's why we cast you.
HORATIO
Well it's either all of us or none of us.
Scene - Backstage Outside
GRIFFIN, MOCK TURTLE, CATERPILLAR and HORATIO are outside as the concert continues on without them.
GRIFFIN
Great plan Hatter.
MOCK TURTLE
Sounds like a great concert.
CATERPILLAR
Come on guys. Let's hit up the hookah lounge.
Scene - Hookah Lounge
GRIFFIN, MOCK TURTLE, CATERPILLAR and HORATIO are all sitting around a hookah. GRIFFIN takes a puff and passes it to HORATIO.
GRIFFIN
Hatter?
HORATIO
No thank you. Just tea for me.
GRIFFIN passes it to MOCK TURTLE.
CATERPILLAR
How do you gentlemen feel?
GRIFFIN
I'm fine. I already got cast in the school play. I'm going to play Hamlet.
MOCK TURTLE
And I'm going to watch.
HORATIO
I just wanted to sing. To perform, but I didn't want to be made a fool of.
CATERPILLAR
Then you should leave the music industry. Art is about taking chances, and you lost yours.
HORATIO
I have no regrets. As much as I want to perform, I'd rather be friends with all of you guys.
GRIFFIN
That is riveting.
KNAVE enters with MARCH HARE and DORMOUSE.
KNAVE
Told you they'd be here.
MARCH HARE (TO HORATIO)
You have some explaining to do mister. We were at the concert to see you and you didn't perform. We had to listen to the screeching of that harpy.
DORMOUSE
And then the princess sang.
HORATIO
Wow, you actually came to see me?
MARCH HARE
Yeah.
HORATIO
I didn't think you cared.
DORMOUSE
I don't. I passed out.
HORATIO
Of course you did. (to KNAVE) Won't you get fired if The Princess finds you gone?
KNAVE
This is her concert, she won't notice anything but her own reflection.
HORATIO
I believe you. Eclair?
KNAVE
Don't mind if I do.
HORATIO takes KNAVE to buy eclairs.
END
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