THE PRINCESS AND THE...
SCENE - THE THRONE ROOM
Interior. Night. It's raining outside. The Throne Room. KING
and QUEEN are pacing worriedly.
I don't know what to do about him.
He's your son.
He's your son too.
Tomorrow is his debut into society,
and he's just not ready.
Maybe we're being too harsh. Maybe
the kingdom is ready for a ruler
with a little more, edge than you
Hey mom, hey pops. I'm so ready for
all these princesses to attend to
No honey, we're only have one ball.
That's your debut remember.
I was talking about my testicles.
PRINCE high fives KING and QUEEN and exits.
He's a lunatic.
Well, maybe he'll meet a nice young
princess at the ball, and she'll
calm down. Tame the wild beast.
A knock is heard at the door.
Who is that? At this hour? In this
QUEEN gets the door and a MAIDEN, wet from the rain, enters.
Hello, I'm sorry to disturb you,
but my carriage got wrecked and I
was hoping I could find some
shelter here if just for a moment.
Of course, come on in dearie.
Thank you your majesty.
QUEEN has MAIDEN sit on the throne and puts a fur around
KING (CALLING OFFSTAGE)
Guards, tend to her horse.
I hope I'm not too much trouble.
PRINCE enters and notices MAIDEN.
You are no trouble. It's nice to
have a lady in the castle for a
change, there's nothing but men
Don't I know it. We need more young
lasses here like yourself. But it's
a man's world baby.
This is my son. Son, this maiden is
going to stay with us tonight.
Oh is she? Well hello there sweet
Hello your royal highness
Tell me Maiden, have you ever been
penetrated by lust?
Down boy. Go to your room.
I'd rather go to her room.
QUEEN gets up and leads MAIDEN offstage.
Come here Maiden, I'll take you to
your room, where you'll be safe.
(to PRINCE) And you, stay put.
PRINCE stays put as his father approaches him.
Now son, is it really necessary for
you to be as vulgar as you are?
Hey, I'm a man. I'm a man in power.
I can do what I want. And let me
tell you what I want...
I think everyone within a 10 mile
radius of you knows what you want.
And you, are no man. You are a boy
in a very fortunate position.
As KING continues to speak, PRINCE sneaks out unknowingly to
You will rule, but if you don't do
it correctly, you will die by the
hands of the people. What do you
have to say to that? Son? Son?
SCENE - A PRINCESS ROOM
QUEEN and MAIDEN enter. A pile of mattresses are on the bed.
Come here my lady. This is your
Oh it's lovely in here.
QUEEN takes a nightgown from the closet and hands them to
Yes. It was supposed to be my
daughter's room, but instead, the
King and I had a son.
MAIDEN goes behind a partition and starts to change while
Sounds like a sacred place your
I guess it is. No one ever comes in
here. But tonight, this is your
What's with, all these mattresses
piled on each other?
Oh I could never decide on a color
scheme, so I ordered all these
extra mattresses. I can have one of
my servants take them down.
The MAIDEN is dressed and ready for bed.
No it's okay. It looks really cozy.
Are you sure?
Yes. You see I don't own a bed, so
having a bed so high and grand
would be a dream come true.
If you wish. Have a good night my
I will, and thank you your majesty.
QUEEN exits. PRINCE reveals he was hiding behind the
curtains of the huge window. He has a bottle of champagne
PRINCE (TO HIMSELF)
She certainly will have a good
night. I have needs my dear. Needs
that have never been met. Never.
MAIDEN starts to snore.
Guess, I won't be needing this. Oh
what the heck.
(PRINCE takes a swig of the chapmagne and starts to climb up
SCENE - THE BREAKFAST TABLE
Morning. The KING and QUEEN are at a grand table with two
empty chairs opposite of them. The poor and rich of the
kingdom surround them at the table, other tables, and on the
dance floor as music plays.
Thank you for joining us for
breakfast people of Royal Kingdom.
We are delighted to have you join
us. Please help yourselves.
MAIDEN enters. She is very tired.
My dear, you will sit with me right
MAIDEN takes the seat next to QUEEN.
Thank you your majesty.
Are you okay.
Yes I'm fine.
PRINCE enters looking refreshed. He is calm and charming.
Oh here's my son.
Hello mother, father. People of
Royal Kingdom. Good morning.
You seem different my son.
Yes. You seem like a new man.
Oh mother, I had a most amazing
PRINCE stands behind MAIDEN and puts his hand on her
shoulders. Caressing her. She is still tired.
QUEEN (STARTING TO REALIZE)
The music stops and the people of the kingdom, rich and
poor, are listening intensely.
I wish I could say the same. Last
night I could've sworn I was
sleeping on a great big pe...
QUEEN (VERY LOUD)
Pea! A Pea!
What is that?
The Maiden here, she passed my
test. My princess test.
What princess test?
QUEEN (MAKING IT UP AS SHE GOES ALONG)
You know The Princess Test. In
which The Maiden feels a pea under
a dozen mattresses. Only a
princess' skin would be sensitive
enough to feel it.
Oh I felt it.
PRINCE (TO THE MAIDEN)
So, since this Maiden felt the pea,
she is indeed, no longer a poor
peasant girl. She's a princess. And
she's going to marry the prince.
Yes, long live the future King and
The people rejoice and everyone exits in grand celebration,
leaving MAIDEN and PRINCE alone.
That was you last night?
That was no pea.
Indeed it wasn't.
It had more in common with a ripe
You flatter me.
MAIDEN embraces PRINCE. Especially his mouth.
I love you my Prince.
What? I know we bumped uglies last
night, but we did just meet. I
think we have to get to know each
What can I say? I may be a princess
now, but I've always been a size
The two kiss.