THE PRINCESS AND THE...
SCENE - THE THRONE ROOM
Interior. Night. It's raining outside. The Throne Room. KING
and QUEEN are pacing worriedly.
KING
I don't know what to do about him.
QUEEN
He's your son.
KING
He's your son too.
QUEEN
Yeah whatever.
KING
Tomorrow is his debut into society,
and he's just not ready.
QUEEN
Maybe we're being too harsh. Maybe
the kingdom is ready for a ruler
with a little more, edge than you
and I.
KING
Maybe.
PRINCE enters.
PRINCE
Hey mom, hey pops. I'm so ready for
all these princesses to attend to
my balls.
QUEEN
No honey, we're only have one ball.
That's your debut remember.
PRINCE
I was talking about my testicles.
PRINCE high fives KING and QUEEN and exits.
QUEEN
He's a lunatic.
KING
Well, maybe he'll meet a nice young
princess at the ball, and she'll
calm down. Tame the wild beast.
A knock is heard at the door.
QUEEN
Who is that? At this hour? In this
weather?
QUEEN gets the door and a MAIDEN, wet from the rain, enters.
MAIDEN
Hello, I'm sorry to disturb you,
but my carriage got wrecked and I
was hoping I could find some
shelter here if just for a moment.
QUEEN
Of course, come on in dearie.
MAIDEN
Thank you your majesty.
QUEEN has MAIDEN sit on the throne and puts a fur around
her.
KING (CALLING OFFSTAGE)
Guards, tend to her horse.
MAIDEN
I hope I'm not too much trouble.
PRINCE enters and notices MAIDEN.
QUEEN
You are no trouble. It's nice to
have a lady in the castle for a
change, there's nothing but men
here.
PRINCE
Don't I know it. We need more young
lasses here like yourself. But it's
a man's world baby.
MAIDEN
Hello.
KING
This is my son. Son, this maiden is
going to stay with us tonight.
PRINCE
Oh is she? Well hello there sweet
young thing.
MAIDEN
Hello your royal highness
PRINCE
Tell me Maiden, have you ever been
penetrated by lust?
MAIDEN
What?
KING
Down boy. Go to your room.
PRINCE
I'd rather go to her room.
QUEEN gets up and leads MAIDEN offstage.
QUEEN
Come here Maiden, I'll take you to
your room, where you'll be safe.
(to PRINCE) And you, stay put.
PRINCE stays put as his father approaches him.
KING
Now son, is it really necessary for
you to be as vulgar as you are?
PRINCE
Hey, I'm a man. I'm a man in power.
I can do what I want. And let me
tell you what I want...
KING
I think everyone within a 10 mile
radius of you knows what you want.
And you, are no man. You are a boy
in a very fortunate position.
As KING continues to speak, PRINCE sneaks out unknowingly to
KING.
KING
You will rule, but if you don't do
it correctly, you will die by the
hands of the people. What do you
have to say to that? Son? Son?
SCENE - A PRINCESS ROOM
QUEEN and MAIDEN enter. A pile of mattresses are on the bed.
QUEEN
Come here my lady. This is your
room.
MAIDEN
Oh it's lovely in here.
QUEEN takes a nightgown from the closet and hands them to
MAIDEN.
QUEEN
Yes. It was supposed to be my
daughter's room, but instead, the
King and I had a son.
MAIDEN goes behind a partition and starts to change while
still talking.
MAIDEN
Sounds like a sacred place your
majesty.
QUEEN
I guess it is. No one ever comes in
here. But tonight, this is your
space.
MAIDEN
What's with, all these mattresses
piled on each other?
QUEEN
Oh I could never decide on a color
scheme, so I ordered all these
extra mattresses. I can have one of
my servants take them down.
The MAIDEN is dressed and ready for bed.
MAIDEN
No it's okay. It looks really cozy.
QUEEN
Are you sure?
MAIDEN
Yes. You see I don't own a bed, so
having a bed so high and grand
would be a dream come true.
QUEEN
If you wish. Have a good night my
dear.
MAIDEN
I will, and thank you your majesty.
QUEEN exits. PRINCE reveals he was hiding behind the
curtains of the huge window. He has a bottle of champagne
with him.
PRINCE (TO HIMSELF)
She certainly will have a good
night. I have needs my dear. Needs
that have never been met. Never.
MAIDEN starts to snore.
PRINCE
Guess, I won't be needing this. Oh
what the heck.
(PRINCE takes a swig of the chapmagne and starts to climb up
the mattresses)
SCENE - THE BREAKFAST TABLE
Morning. The KING and QUEEN are at a grand table with two
empty chairs opposite of them. The poor and rich of the
kingdom surround them at the table, other tables, and on the
dance floor as music plays.
KING
Thank you for joining us for
breakfast people of Royal Kingdom.
QUEEN
We are delighted to have you join
us. Please help yourselves.
MAIDEN enters. She is very tired.
QUEEN
My dear, you will sit with me right
here.
MAIDEN takes the seat next to QUEEN.
MAIDEN
Thank you your majesty.
QUEEN
Are you okay.
MAIDEN
Yes I'm fine.
PRINCE enters looking refreshed. He is calm and charming.
QUEEN
Oh here's my son.
PRINCE
Hello mother, father. People of
Royal Kingdom. Good morning.
KING (CONFUSED)
You seem different my son.
PRINCE
Really?
QUEEN
Yes. You seem like a new man.
PRINCE
Oh mother, I had a most amazing
experience yesterday.
PRINCE stands behind MAIDEN and puts his hand on her
shoulders. Caressing her. She is still tired.
QUEEN (STARTING TO REALIZE)
You did?
PRINCE
Yes.
The music stops and the people of the kingdom, rich and
poor, are listening intensely.
MAIDEN
I wish I could say the same. Last
night I could've sworn I was
sleeping on a great big pe...
QUEEN (VERY LOUD)
Pea! A Pea!
KING
What is that?
QUEEN
The Maiden here, she passed my
test. My princess test.
KING
What princess test?
QUEEN (MAKING IT UP AS SHE GOES ALONG)
You know The Princess Test. In
which The Maiden feels a pea under
a dozen mattresses. Only a
princess' skin would be sensitive
enough to feel it.
MAIDEN
Oh I felt it.
PRINCE (TO THE MAIDEN)
Me too.
QUEEN
So, since this Maiden felt the pea,
she is indeed, no longer a poor
peasant girl. She's a princess. And
she's going to marry the prince.
PRINCE
What?
MAIDEN
What?
QUEEN
Yes, long live the future King and
Queen.
The people rejoice and everyone exits in grand celebration,
leaving MAIDEN and PRINCE alone.
MAIDEN
That was you last night?
PRINCE
Yes.
MAIDEN
That was no pea.
PRINCE
Indeed it wasn't.
MAIDEN
It had more in common with a ripe
cucumber.
PRINCE
You flatter me.
MAIDEN embraces PRINCE. Especially his mouth.
MAIDEN
I love you my Prince.
PRINCE
What? I know we bumped uglies last
night, but we did just meet. I
think we have to get to know each
other first.
MAIDEN
What can I say? I may be a princess
now, but I've always been a size
queen.
The two kiss.
END
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